When a couple wants help improving their sex life, it may be a good idea to talk with a physician first to rule out any medical issues.  Illnesses such as diabetes can contribute to sexual problems, and some high blood pressure and antidepressant medications can have an impact as well.  After consulting with a physician, the next step is marital therapy.  

When they first come into my office, couples are often blaming each other, feeling angry and hurt.  They become overly focused on who is right and who is wrong.  Individuals do not fall in love and marry so they can hurt one another.  They get together because they sense something mysteriously familiar, sexy, exhilarating or comforting when they are with each other.  Between the first breathtaking date and the present disappointment, something very complicated has occurred that needs to be explored and rearranged.

In the first few sessions, we work to resolve marital issues and improve communication in general.  The goal is to develop more emotional closeness, a feeling of safety and a deeper more emotionally fulfilling relationship; then we begin to develop healthy sexual communication. 

The best way to communicate about sex is with honesty.  Men and women appreciate a lover who wants to be the best lover that he or she can be.  What could be better than saying, ''Honey, I'd like to try some new things tonight. I hope you will like them.  If there is something you want me to change or stop, just let me know.''

It is important to use humility, politeness and kindness.  Couples need to have a marital policy that encourages asking and answering questions without defensiveness.  At all times, be sure to protect your spouse's ego.  Criticism is a form of emotional abuse.  Speak to one another in the warmest way possible for you and use encouraging words.  Couples should rehearse these techniques daily if possible.  Remember: Practice + Practice + Practice = Progress.

I cannot tell you how long it takes for a couple to overcome sexual issues.  It has to do with their willingness to keep communication open and to apply the techniques.  It also takes courage to work at change.  Often other marital problems contribute to sexual issues such as anger, conflict avoidance, grudges and emotional issues from the past.  But people who work hard at something that is important to them are usually rewarded with progress. 

Written by:
Jill C. Eilenberger, LCSW, LMFT
Psychotherapist
www.jilleilenberger.com
704-522-0291

Jill C. Eilenberger is a licensed clinical social worker and licensed marital and family therapist in private practice in Charlotte, NC.  She has been working with couples since 1986.  Jill is also certified in Imago Relationship Therapy.